Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
