I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
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