Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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