god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
