I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Randomize
