You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
