One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
