I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
