so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're a waste of cheezeits
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
