Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
