in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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