he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
