so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
