I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
