The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
