I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
