he shaved USA in his pubs
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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