My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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