I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
