Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
