I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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