Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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