Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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