Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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