Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
