I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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