I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize
