Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
