Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
