so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
