I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
