I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
