i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
