I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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