I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
