What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just found puke in my bra..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
