He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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