You're my little dorito
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
