respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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