After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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