so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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