Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
