I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
