You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
