how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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