I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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