Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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