So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
