Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
