for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
