oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize