My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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