she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
