If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
