SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize