I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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