Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
