I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
