You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
